Witches For Ever
by Mike Carter

CHARACTERS
WITCH 
VOICE OF INVISIBLE CAT
BO-PEEP
RED RIDING HOOD
JACK HORNER
BOY BLUE
GOOD FAIRY
SCENE: A witch's hut.  The WITCH is sitting on a chair with a broomstick beside her, stroking an invisible 
cat.
WITCH.  Who is it?  (Walks to door.)  Stay there, Cedric!  (Peers through keyhole.)  What, four children!  We're in 
luck, Cedric!  (Unbolts door.)  Now, who do we have here?  
BO-PEEP.  Oh, I'm so cold and wet!  (Shakes herself.)  Hi!  I'm Bo-peep.  I was just wandering around in the forest 
looking for my sheep, and I ran into these other people.
RED RIDING HOOD.  You'd think this cape would keep out the rain, but I'm soaked.  I'm Red Riding Hood, by the 
way.
JACK HORNER (waving his thumb).  Bet you know who I am!
WITCH.  There's a nice warm corner here for you.
BOY BLUE.  I've lost my bugle, and all the cows have gone walkabout.  My dad's going to be so angry!  (He starts 
to cry.)
WITCH.  Now, now, don't cry.  Come and sit by the fire.  So, you're all lost and no one knows where you are?  He 
he he – isn't that nice, Cedric?
BO-PEEP (looking around).  Who's Cedric?
WITCH.  My cat.  We work together.
RED RIDING HOOD.  I can't see any cat.
WITCH.  No, he's an invisible cat.
BOY BLUE.  Maybe we should have stayed in the forest.
WITCH.  Come on, my darlings, come and sit by the fire while I get you some special medicine.  We don't want 
you catching cold, do we?  Now, Cedric, remind me …
INVISIBLE CAT.  Take a jug of boiling ink and some cobwebs.
WITCH.  Here's the ink.  You children can find the cobwebs.
RED RIDING HOOD.  Here's some, on this pie.
WITCH.  Dear me, I wondered where I'd left that.  (Takes a bite.)  Thank you, my dear.  Now, Cedric, what else 
was there?
INVISIBLE CAT.  Some goat droppings.
WITCH.  I had a jar of those somewhere …  Oh, yes – in the fridge.  (Opens fridge.)  Here they are!  Now, mix 
them together …
She stirs the mixture with a large wooden spoon.
RED RIDING HOOD.  What are you making?
JACK HORNER.  It's not poison, is it?  
WITCH.  Of course not!  (Pours the mixture into a cup.)  Now, you just have a sip of that, my dears.  You'll feel 
better in no time!
The children each take a sip.
RED RIDING HOOD.  Wow, that's got a kick!
BO-PEEP.  My head feels as if it's going to burst!
JACK HORNER.  My arms feel heavy!
BOY BLUE.  I can't move!
The children all stand motionless.
WITCH.  There you are, Cedric.  All safely in my power.  (There's a knock on the door.)  No, you can't come in – 
there's no one here – oh dear, what am I saying!  No, you mustn't break down the door.  Oh, bother!
GOOD FAIRY.  Good Fairy at your service.  Up to your old tricks, I see?  How many times do I have to tell you – if 
you poison all the nursery rhyme children, there won't be any magic left in the world.  Now, just let me 
undo your spell. 
She touches the children with her wand.  They wake up.
BOY BLUE.  I've just had the most horrible dream!
BO-PEEP.  I dreamed I'd lost all my sheep.
RED RIDING HOOD.  I thought a wolf had got me.
JACK HORNER.  I dreamed I was stuck in a pie.
GOOD FAIRY.  You've had enough warnings.  You need a taste of your own medicine!
WITCH.  Please!  You can't get rid of me!  All the best stories have witches in them.
BO-PEEP.  She's right.
RED RIDING HOOD.  Hansel and Gretel.
JACK HORNER.  The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.
BOY BLUE.  Double, double, toil and trouble …  I know a witch said that somewhere.
RED RIDING HOOD.  I know what to do.  Cedric, come here.
GOOD FAIRY.  Who's Cedric?
RED RIDING HOOD.  Her invisible cat.  We'll send him away.  She won't remember any spells without him.
BOY BLUE.  I know just the place – Wonderland.  
JACK HORNER.  Of course, the Cheshire Cat.  It was always disappearing!
BOY BLUE.  They could be friends.
INVISIBLE CAT.  A real invisible cat?
JACK HORNER.  Most of the time.
INVISIBLE CAT.  Great!  Let's be off then!
GOOD FAIRY.  I'll take you there.  (To WITCH)  And don't you try to follow!
All exit except the WITCH.
WITCH.  OK, then …  Let's see.  What was that spell the little boy said?  Flubble, grubble, tickle, tubble …  No, 
that's not right.  Bubble, stubble, gribble, grobble …  That'll do.  (Starts mixing things together.)  They 
might not like me, but they're not going to get rid of me!  

The Ghost Problem
by James O'Sullivan

CHARACTERS
GHOST
CARRIE
BARRY
AGENT BLACK
AGENT WHITE
SCENE:  A room in a house.  There is a table in the middle with some chairs around it.  The GHOST is 
sitting at the table eating a sandwich.  BARRY and CARRIE walk in carrying suitcases. 
CARRIE.  It's good to be home.
BARRY.  That was a great holiday!
CARRIE (noticing the ghost).  Who are you?  What are you doing in our house?
GHOST.  I'm a ghost, and I'm here to haunt you.  And you're out of mustard.
BARRY.  But we can see you.  You can't be a ghost.
GHOST.  You can see ghosts nowadays.  We're increasing our profile.  I'm actually a poltergeist.  Look at this.  
(Shakes the table.)  Scary, eh?
CARRIE.  Not really.  You're not a poltergeist.
GHOST.  Yes I am. I moved the table, didn't I?
BARRY.  We could have done that.
GHOST.  But you're not a ghost.
CARRIE.  Neither are you.  
GHOST (shakes the table again).  Yes I am.  Look.
CARRIE.  We can't have a ghost in our house eating all our mustard.
BARRY (to GHOST).  You'll have to go.
GHOST.  Sorry, it's against the regulations.  I can't leave a house I've been sent to haunt.
BARRY.  Then we'll have to call the ghost exterminators.  (He picks up the phone.)  Hello?  Ghost exterminators?  
Enter AGENT BLACK and AGENT WHITE.
AGENT BLACK.  Hello.  I'm Agent Black and this is Agent White.  We're here to get your ghost.
CARRIE.  That was quick!
BARRY (putting down the phone).  Are you from the ghost extermination agency?
AGENT WHITE.  Of course we are.  Now, where's the ghost?
GHOST.  That would be me.
AGENT BLACK.  Who said that?
BARRY.  That ghost over there.
AGENT WHITE.  I can't see anything.
AGENT BLACK.  Neither can I.
CARRIE (pointing).  But he's sitting right there, eating a ham sandwich – with mustard.
AGENT BLACK.  Ah.  It must be one of those ghosts that are only visible to the owners of the house.  Sneaky 
things.
BARRY.  Can you get rid of them?
AGENT BLACK.  Of course, but at a price.
AGENT WHITE.  Two hundred dollars.
CARRIE.  OK.  Just get rid of him.
AGENT BLACK.  For your own safety, we suggest that you leave the house.  Things could get violent.
CARRIE.  OK.  Come on, Barry.
CARRIE and BARRY exit.
AGENT WHITE.  Well, there goes a couple of suckers.
GHOST.  I can't believe they fell for it.
AGENT BLACK (to GHOST).  OK, Bob, you just leave by the back door, and we'll call those people back in.  Then 
we'll say we got rid of the ghost and collect our money and be off.  
AGENT WHITE.  This is fun!
GHOST.  See you later.  (Exits.)
AGENT BLACK (to CARRIE and BARRY off-stage).  You can come back now.  I think we got rid of him.
Enter CARRIE and BARRY.  They look around.
AGENT WHITE.  Can you see him?
BARRY.  No.  I think he's gone.
AGENT BLACK.  Good.  Now, that'll be two hundred dollars.
The table moves all by itself.
AGENT WHITE.  Look – a real poltergeist!
AGENT BLACK.  Help!  Let's get out of here!
AGENT BLACK and AGENT WHITE run off the stage.
CARRIE.  I don't think those ghost exterminators were the real thing.
BARRY.  They weren't very brave either.
The table moves again.
BARRY.  Looks like we've got another ghost after all!
CARRIE.  I don't mind as long as it stays invisible.  
BARRY.  Yes, it's the visible ones I don't like.  
CARRIE.  Come on, then, let's go and buy some more mustard!
BARRY and CARRIE exit.

Note:  To make the table move, you could tie a long piece of string to one of the table legs, and the GHOST could pull 
on it from off-stage.
Fluffy Pink Slippers
by Johanna Mary

Characters
BABS BLABBERS
FLUFFY PINK SLIPPERS
SAM SMARM
STUDIO AUDIENCE
MRS SMITH (sitting in the audience)

BABS BLABBERS.  Hello, and welcome to another Babs Blabbers Show!  I'm Babs Blabbers, and today I'm 
blabbering to a famous rock star.  Ladies and gentlemen, would you please welcome – Fluffy Pink Slippers!
FLUFFY PINK SLIPPERS runs on-stage waving.  STUDIO AUDIENCE cheers and claps.
BABS BLABBERS.  Great to have you with us, Fluffy.  Now, there's something unique about you, isn't there?  
You've only ever said three words in your entire life.
FLUFFY (nodding).   Fluffy Pink Slippers.
BABS BLABBERS.  And you had an unusual start in life.  You were an orphan found in a sheepskin shop, among a 
pile of –
FLUFFY.  Fluffy Pink Slippers.
BABS BLABBERS.  Because of that, the couple who found and raised you named you –
FLUFFY.  Fluffy Pink Slippers.
BABS BLABBERS.  As you grew up, perhaps because of some traumatic experience among the –
FLUFFY.  Fluffy Pink Slippers –
BABS BLABBERS.  You refused to say anything but – 
FLUFFY.  Fluffy Pink Slippers.
BABS BLABBERS.  You were musically gifted, and you began writing songs.  Your first song was called –
FLUFFY.  Fluffy Pink Slippers.
BABS BLABBERS.  Could you sing us a few lines?
FLUFFY (singing).  Fluffy Pink Slippers, Fluffy Pink Slippers, Fluffy Pink Slippers ...
STUDIO AUDIENCE cheers and claps.
BABS BLABBERS.  That song rocketed to number one, and from then on you had a string of hits, all called –
FLUFFY.  Fluffy Pink Slippers.
BABS BLABBERS.  And you've just released your tenth album, called –
FLUFFY.  Fluffy Pink Slippers.
BABS BLABBERS.  Ladies and gentlemen, I'd now like to introduce you to the man behind Fluffy Pink Slippers, 
her husband and manager, Sam Smarm!
SAM SMARM saunters on-stage, smoothing back his hair.  STUDIO AUDIENCE cheers and claps.
BABS BLABBERS.  Sam, some people say that the whole "Fluffy Pink Slippers" thing is a publicity stunt.
SAM SMARM.  Well, some people say a lot of things, Babs.
BABS BLABBERS.  They say your wife's name is not Fluffy Pink Slippers, that she was not found among fluffy 
pink slippers as a baby, and that in real life she talks like you and me.
SAM SMARM (laughing).  Well, Babs, I can assure you that she never says anything but Fluffy Pink Slippers to 
me!
STUDIO AUDIENCE laughs.
BABS BLABBERS.  Okay, ladies and gentlemen, your turn to ask Fluffy questions.  Who's first?
Members of the STUDIO AUDIENCE put their hands up and ask FLUFFY questions.  She always replies with 
"Fluffy Pink Slippers".  Then MRS SMITH stands up.
BABS BLABBERS.  Yes?
MRS SMITH.  I'm Fluffy's mother, and I want to tell everyone that she's living a lie!
STUDIO AUDIENCE gasps.
BABS BLABBERS.  Tell us more.
SAM SMARM.  The woman's plainly bonkers!
BABS BLABBERS.  I'd like to hear what she's got to say.
MRS SMITH.  Fluffy Pink Slippers is not my daughter's name.  Sam Smarm told her to change it.
STUDIO AUDIENCE gasps.
MRS SMITH.  She never used to say "Fluffy Pink Slippers" until she met Sam Smarm.
STUDIO AUDIENCE gasps.
MRS SMITH.  And she was not found in a pile of slippers!
STUDIO AUDIENCE gasps.
BABS BLABBERS.  What's your daughter's real name then?
MRS SMITH.  Her name is Gooey Green Custard!
STUDIO AUDIENCE.  Ooooooh.
MRS SMITH.  We found her in a custard factory!
STUDIO AUDIENCE.  Oooooooooooooh!
MRS SMITH.  And until she met Sam Smarm, all she used to say was "Gooey Green Custard".
STUDIO AUDIENCE.  Ooooooooooooooooooooooh!
SAM SMARM.  That's preposterous!  Fluffy, tell this woman who you are.
FLUFFY starts to cry.
SAM SMARM.  Fluffy, tell her!
FLUFFY.  Gooey Green Custard!
MRS SMITH.  Oh, Gooey!  (She rushes on-stage and gives FLUFFY a hug.)   Would you like to come home tonight 
and have your favourite meal?
FLUFFY.  Gooey Green Custard!
MRS SMITH.  And you can have a nice hot bath of –
FLUFFY.  Gooey Green Custard!
MRS SMITH.  And then you can sleep in your old bed of –
FLUFFY.  Gooey Green Custard!
MRS SMITH.  Let's go, Gooey.
MRS SMITH and FLUFFY walk off-stage with their arms around each other.  SAM SMARM jogs after them, 
yelling at FLUFFY to come back.
BABS BLABBERS.  Ladies and gentlemen, what an amazing reunion.  And that wraps up our show for today.  Join 
me tomorrow for another incredible Babs Blabbers show!
STUDIO AUDIENCE cheers as BABS BLABBERS runs off-stage waving.

A Salad Sandwich
by John Lockyer

CHARACTERS
MRS MYLES
SAMSON THE SANDWICH MAKER

SCENE:  MRS MYLES is hurrying out of a shopping mall.  She stops at a select-a-sandwich counter on her 
way.
MRS MYLES.  My bus leaves in five minutes.  Will you make me a quick sandwich?
SAMSON (smiling).  I make many sandwiches, madam.  I make cheese sandwiches, ham sandwiches, tomato 
sandwiches, egg sandwiches – but I've never been asked to make a quick sandwich.  What sort of filling is 
that?  (Pauses then laughs.)  Just a joke, madam.  Just a joke.
MRS MYLES (rolling her eyes).  May I have a salad sandwich, please?
SAMSON.  Of course, madam.  Would you like thin bread or thick?
MRS MYLES.  Thin, please.
SAMSON.  Brown bread, white bread, rye bread, or cornbread?
MRS MYLES.  Brown bread, please.
SAMSON.  Salad dressing?
MRS MYLES.  Yes, please.
SAMSON.  Would that be herb, garlic, tomato, or plain?
MRS MYLES.  Plain.
SAMSON.  And what type of lettuce, madam – red, green, or buttercrunch?
MRS MYLES.  Green please.  And can you hurry up?  My bus is just about to leave.
SAMSON.  Of course, madam.  Now, would you like tomato?
MRS MYLES sighs and nods her head.
SAMSON.  Sundried tomatoes or simply sliced?
MRS MYLES.  Sliced, please.
SAMSON.  Meat, madam?  We have a wide selection.  There's beef, ham …
MRS MYLES (shaking her head).  I haven't got time.  Any sort.  (Points.)  There, the one on the left.  That'll do.
SAMSON.  Pepperoni, madam?
MRS MYLES (frowning).  Pepperoni – is that spicy?
SAMSON.  Yes madam, very spicy.  If you don't want spicy, may I suggest chicken?  
MRS MYLES (nodding).  Yes, all right.  Chicken will be fine.
SAMSON.  Cheese, madam?  Swiss, cheddar, smoked, or tasty?
MRS MYLES (shaking her head).  No cheese, please.  Oh no!  There's my bus!  The driver's getting ready to leave.  
Hurry!
SAMSON.  Yes, madam.  Almost finished.  Now, is there anything else?  Grated carrot, perhaps?
MRS MYLES.  No.
SAMSON.  Cucumber?
MRS MYLES.  No.
SAMSON.  Gherkin?  Avocado?  Olives?
MRS MYLES.  No!  Nothing else.  Just give me the sandwich!  Oh no!  Too late!  My bus is leaving.  It's … it's 
gone!  Blast!
SAMSON (putting the sandwich on a plate).  Does that mean madam will be eating here, now?
MRS MYLES (slapping some money down on the counter).  Yes, it does!  No thanks to you!
SAMSON.  I'm so sorry, madam.  Would you like something to drink?  A glass of water?
MRS MYLES.  And?
SAMSON (looking puzzled).  And what?
MRS MYLES.  Surely you're going to offer me other drinks too.  Coke, perhaps?  Or orange juice, lemonade, tea, 
coffee, hot chocolate …?
SAMSON (shaking his head).  No, just water.
MRS MYLES.  Are you sure?
SAMSON.  Yes, madam, quite sure.
MRS MYLES (smiling).  Well then, that makes it simple.  Thank you, yes, I would like some water.
SAMSON (smiling).  And what sort of water would madam like?  Tap water, filtered water, spring water, mineral 
water, herbal water, iced water, hot water, or warm water with lemon?
MRS MYLES.  Aaaargh!!


