Write On
by David Hill

CHARACTERS
RADIO
SOLOMON
NADIA
MUM


Scene:  Solomon's bedroom.  The RADIO is on one side of the 
stage.   A schoolbag sits beside it.  A table and chair are on 
the other side of the stage.  A dictionary, a Valentine's Day 
card, a pen, and some blank pieces of paper (including one red 
piece) are on the table.   A waste-paper bin is on the floor 
beside the table.  SOLOMON enters and switches on the radio.

RADIO.  Hi there, listeners!  It's seven-thirty in the morning on Radio 
Raucous.  Seven-thirty on February the fourteenth. Yes, it's 
Valentine's Day!!
SOLOMON.  Oh, no!  Fifty minutes till I have to go to school!  Fifty 
minutes to think up a message for Lara Ackroyd's Valentine's Day 
card.  (He sits down at the table and holds up the card.)  Let's see 
…  (He puts down the card and begins writing on a piece of paper, 
reading aloud as he writes.)  "To Lara Ackroyd from Solomon 
Atene.  Happy Valentine's Day."  (He screws up the paper.)  How 
pathetic!  How uncool!  (He throws the paper into the bin.)   I know 
…  (He calls out loudly).  Hey, Nadia!
NADIA (entering).  Hey, little bro.
SOLOMON.  Um … Nadia … um … what sort of message would you like 
to get on a Valentine's Day card from what's-his-name – from Kyle?
NADIA.  From Kyle?  Why?
SOLOMON.  Oh, it's … it's for a school project.
NADIA.  School project, eh?  I'll believe you.
SOLOMON.  No, come on.
NADIA.  Well, there's those poems, you know:  "I look into your eyes of 
blue, and know I always will love you."  And some of my friends, 
they like the real lovey-dovey stuff.  Hey, you sure this is for a 
school project?
SOLOMON.  'Course it is.  Thanks.
NADIA exits.  SOLOMON picks up another piece of paper.
RADIO.  You're tuned to Radio Raucous.  It's seven-forty a.m.  Seven-
forty on February the fourteenth …
mum (poking her head around the door).  Solomon!  Breakfast!
SOLOMON.  Coming, Mum.  Seven-forty!  Just forty minutes left.  
Poems … poems …  (He begins writing again, reading aloud as he 
goes.)  "I look into your eyes of blue, and …"  Aw no!  Lara 
Ackroyd's got brown eyes!  (He screws up the paper, throws it into 
the bin, and begins writing again.)  "I look into your eyes of brown 
and … (he pauses) … know that I will soon fall down."  No way!  
(He screws up the paper and throws it into the bin.)  All right, I'll 
try the lovey-dovey stuff.  (He begins writing again, reading as he 
goes.)   "Happy Valentine's Day, precious Lara-wara.  From your 
own Solly-wolly."  That's not lovey-dovey!  That's spewey-wooey!  
He screws up the paper and throws it into the bin.
RADIO.  It's seven-fifty a.m., everybody.  Seven-fifty a.m. on Radio 
Raucous.  And if you're looking for the right Valentine's Day card, 
try "Gifts and Cards" – it's in the mall …
solomon.  Just thirty minutes left!  (nadia enters.)  Hey, Nadia!
NADIA.  What now, little bro?
SOLOMON.  Any other ideas for my – my school project?  Any other 
messages you'd like to get on a Valentine's Day card from Kyle?
NADIA.  From Kyle?  Well, I think that honest messages are good – 
ones that tell people the truth about themselves.  Try that, eh?  
She exits.
solomon.  Telling people about themselves?  OK.  (He writes, reading 
aloud as he goes.)   "Dear Lara, Happy Valentine's Day.  PS Try 
not to laugh so loud in class, and don't play with your hair so 
much."  Oh yeah, really cool!  Not!  (He screws up the paper and 
throws it into the bin.)   Hey, Nadia!
nadia enters.  
NADIA.  What now?
SOLOMON.  Any more ideas for my – my project?
nadia.  Well, some people like messages about their names – you 
know, like a poem about what the letters of their name stand for.  
Stuff like that.  Hey, who set you this weird school project?
SOLOMON.  Uh, I forget. 
NADIA exits.
RADIO.  All right, guys and girls.  Moving right along … it's eight 
o'clock.
SOLOMON.  Help!  Just twenty minutes till I have to go!
mum (poking her head around the door).  Solomon!  Come and eat your 
breakfast!  
She exits.
solomon.  OK!  OK!  Poems about names …  (He writes, reading aloud 
as he goes.)  "Happy Valentine's, Lara; your voice is like a guitar, 
ah!  You're sweeter than a jar – a honey jar, I mean, Lara."  Oh, 
man!  (He screws up the paper and throws it into the bin.)  OK.  
Letters of names.  (He writes, reading aloud as he goes.)  "L …  
you're … you're lovely."  Slop–py!  Next letter …  A … A …  
Where's the dictionary?  (He  picks up the dictionary and begins 
reading aloud from it as he notes down words.)   "A … you're … 
accidental … airsick … acid …  archaeopteryx!"  What's that?  "An 
extinct bird!"  Aw, no!  I can't say that!  (He screws up the paper, 
throws it into the bin, and begins writing on a new piece of paper.)  
"R … R … you're rhubarb … round … rugged …"  Use-less!  (He 
screws up the paper and throws it into the bin.)  Nadia's a dead 
loss!  Her and her Kyle!
radio.  Time's buzzin' along.  It's ten past eight on Radio Raucous.
solomon.  Only ten minutes left!  Hey, here's some red paper.  I know, 
I'll cut it into the shape of a heart and write my message on that.  
(He cuts out a heart shape.)
mother (entering).  Solomon Atene!  You come and have breakfast 
right now, or I'll …
solomon.  I'm coming!  But I'll eat it here, Mum.  Got to finish my 
school project. (He rushes off-stage, then rushes back to the desk 
carrying a bowl of cereal.)  Now, the heart …  (As he sits down, he 
bumps the bowl of cereal.)  Oh, no, spilt the milk – all over the 
heart.  The heart's had a heart attack! He screws up the heart and 
throws it into the bin.
radio.  Yes, people and persons.  It's eight-fifteen on Valentine's Day 
morning.
Solomon.  Five minutes to go!  Gotta think of something.  Another 
poem …  (He writes, reading aloud as he goes.)  "Roses are red, 
violets are blue, but that's got nothing to do with you."  Get outa 
here!  (He screws up the paper and throws it into the bin.)
radio.  Eight-nineteen on Radio Raucous.  Eight-nineteen on Valentine's Day.
solomon.  Last minute.  Last chance.  (nadia enters and looks over 
SOLOMON'S shoulder.)  OK, here goes.  This time I'll write it on the 
card so I can't change my mind …  (He writes, reading aloud as he 
goes.)   "To Lara.  I hope you have a really awesome Valentine's 
Day.  From Solomon."
nadia.  Not bad, little bro.  Should make a good school project.
SOLOMON (turning round).  What?  Were you …
NADIA.  I mean it.  Sounds honest.  Sounds like you.
solomon (standing up and shoving the card into his bag).  Nadia ... 
would you ... would you like to get a Valentine's Day card like that 
from Kyle?
NADIA.  From Kyle?  Na, don't think so.
SOLOMON.  Aw!  Why not?
nadia.  Well, I've stopped going out with Kyle.  I'm going out with 
Bradley now.
RADIO.  And on Radio Raucous, it's time for everyone to go!

Animals Who Bite!
by Michael Wilson 

Characters 
KRYSTAL (a TV co-host)
HAYLEY (a TV host)
Studio guests:
TREVOR (a dog)
BRIAN (a lion)
HOLLY (a lion tamer)
Audience members:
IVY (a part-time lion tamer) 
WILL (an animal lover)
BIFF (a loudmouth) 
AS MANY OTHER AUDIENCE MEMBERS AS YOU WANT TO INCLUDE

SCENE: A television studio set up as for the Oprah Winfrey Show, with a live 
audience.  HAYLEY stands in the audience area, holding a microphone.  The 
studio guests are seated on chairs.  KRYSTAL introduces the show.

KRYSTAL.  Hi!  I'm Krystal, and I'm on TV.  Isn't that just, like, ... so cool?  
You're with the Crystal Channel, and guess what?  My name's Krystal.  Cool, 
eh?  Next on the Crystal Channel we have The Oprah Winfrey Show, except it's 
not, like, Oprah – it's my friend Hayley.  'Cos we couldn't afford Oprah, but 
that's cool, eh?  Tonight's subject is … "Animals Who Bite".
HAYLEY.  Hi!  I'm not Oprah Winfrey, but that's cool.  Tonight – Animals Who 
Bite. And who are you, sir?
TREVOR.  I'm Trevor the dog.
HAYLEY.  And why do you bite?
TREVOR.  I don't bite.  I'm a nice doggie.
HAYLEY.  How dare you?  Get off my programme!
AUDIENCE (calling out at TREVOR).  Boo!  Fraud!  Get him outta here!
TREVOR.  I don't even have any teeth. 
TREVOR leaves the stage.
HAYLEY.  We'll be back right after this ...
KRYSTAL holds up a sign with THIS written on it.
KRYSTAL.  This!
HAYLEY.  Welcome back.  I'm not Ricki Lake, but tough.  Holly is a lion tamer.  
Hello, Holly.
HOLLY.  Hi, Hayley.
HAYLEY.  Hi, and Brian is a – how would you describe yourself, sir?
BRIAN.  I'm a lion.  Der.
AUDIENCE.  Hey, that's not polite.  Get yourself some manners, young man.
HAYLEY.  And you – let me get this right – you bite?
BRIAN.  Hey, I'm a lion.  That's what I do.
AUDIENCE.  Shame!  He's bad!  Yeah, shame on you!
HOLLY.  I give him everything.  I feed him.  I keep him in a nice cage.  And this is 
what he does to me.
BRIAN.  Get used to it, lady.  I'm a lion, know what I'm saying?
HAYLEY.  And you bite her?  This is how you reward this woman for …
BRIAN.  For what, man?  She keeps me in a cage, she whips me, she makes me do 
embarrassing tricks in front of people.
HOLLY.  I'm a lion tamer.  What do you expect?
BRIAN.  I expect a little respect, lady.  I'm a lion, here.  The king of the beasts, 
know what I'm saying?
HOLLY.  The other night I put my head in his mouth … 
The AUDIENCE gasps.
HAYLEY.  You put your head in his mouth?!
HOLLY.  It's part of the act.  And he … he nibbled my ear and made it bleed.
HAYLEY.  He Mike Tysoned you?
HOLLY nods, crying.  
IVY (calling out).  If you were my lion, I'd ...
HAYLEY (to IVY).  Just wait a moment, here.  You got something to say?
HAYLEY walks over to IVY and holds the microphone out to her.
IVY.  I sure do.  I'm a lion tamer – part-time – and I just wanna say, if you were 
my lion, I'd put you over my knee and spank you.
AUDIENCE.  Right on!  Tell him, honey!  Woo-woo!
KRYSTAL moves into the audience.
BRIAN.  Just try it, sister.
IVY.  Maybe I will!
KRYSTAL holds her hand up.  HAYLEY takes the microphone over to her.
HAYLEY.  Somebody over here.
KRYSTAL.  Hi, it's me, again, and I just wanna say, like, you know, like, I mean, I 
just think ... you know.  Well, I guess what I wanna, like, you know, say, is, 
like, ...  hi, Mom!
HAYLEY.  OK.  We'll be back right after this.
TREVOR THE DOG holds up a bone.
TREVOR.  This!
HAYLEY.  Welcome back.  I'm still not Oprah Winfrey, but ... neither are you!  
Brian is a lion, and he bites.  Holly is his tamer, and she doesn't like it, right?
HOLLY nods tearfully.
WILL.  What I think …
HAYLEY (reaching out to WILL with the microphone).  Just a moment.  OK.
WILL.  Hey, lion tamer.  Listen up, sister.
HOLLY.  I ain't your sister.
WILL.  Chill out, ma'am.  See, this is what I think.  You gotta love your lion.  You 
don't lock him up in no cage.  You don't whip his butt.  You don't make him do 
no degrading tricks.  You gotta hold him and make him feel secure.  You gotta 
help him become himself and find his true lion deep inside.  You gotta be his 
mama.
HOLLY.  You think so?
WILL.  I surely do.
HOLLY and BRIAN look cautiously at each other.  They start to soften.
HOLLY.  Come to Mama.
They embrace.
AUDIENCE.  Aw.  That's so cute.
HAYLEY.  That's all we've got time for tonight.  I'm not Oprah Winfrey, but that's 
cool.  Next week …
Suddenly BIFF stands up at the back of the audience and calls out.
BIFF.  Hey!  He's got his fingers crossed.
HAYLEY.  What you talking about? 
BIFF.  I don't believe that lion is going to change.  He's got his fingers crossed.
HAYLEY.  Lions don't have fingers.
BIFF.  His claws, then.  He's lyin'.
BRIAN.  That's what I am, man, a lion.
BIFF.  No. He's lying.  He's not going to change.
BRIAN.  Hey, eat my fur, man.
BIFF.  You pickin' a fight with me?
BRIAN.  What if I am?
WILL.  Hey, brothers, chill out.  Let's have some love here.
BRIAN.  Come down here and say that, buster.
WILL.  Maybe I will.
HAYLEY.  Um, we'll be back next week.  Bye.
KRYSTAL.  Hi, Mom.  Oh … oh … you're with the Crystal Channel.  Cool, eh!

Calendar Crisis
by Karen Trebilcock 

CHARACTERS:
MARCUS AURELIUS
CLEANING PERSONUS 
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS 
MARY
JOSEPH

SCENE:  MARCUS AURELIUS is sitting at a table writing with 
a quill pen.  He writes a Roman numeral on a piece of 
paper, holds it up (so that the audience can see it, too), 
shakes his head, then crumples up the paper and throws 
it at an already overflowing rubbish bin.

MARCUS AURELIUS desperately.  What am I going to do?
CLEANING PERSONUS sweeping the floor as he enters.  Marcus 
Aurelius, what a mess!
MARCUS AURELIUS.  Oh, Cleaning Personus, it is you.  Sorry 
about the mess.  I am trying to work out the Y0K problem for 
Caesar.  If I don't figure it out, he says that he will feed me 
to the lions.
CLEANING PERSONUS appearing puzzled.  The Y0K problem?
MARCUS AURELIUS.  That's what I said.  Think, Cleaning 
Personus.  What year is it?
CLEANING PERSONUS.  Why, it is the year One BC.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  Exactly.  And what year will it be next year?
CLEANING PERSONUS counting on their fingers.  Well, last year it 
was Two BC and the year before that Three, so next year it 
will be … will be … Zero.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  You see?  We have been counting down for as 
long as anyone can remember.  Everyone knew it would be a 
problem, eventually, but no one bothered to do anything about 
it.  And as I am in charge of the calendar, Caesar expects me 
to come up with an answer – or it's the lions.
CLEANING PERSONUS.  I know!  Zero BC! 
MARCUS AURELIUS.  I've already thought of that.  Caesar doesn't 
like it.  He says he can't have a year called "nothing".  And 
anyway, what would happen the year after?  Did you know 
that lions have really bad breath?
A furious knocking is heard off stage.  SEPTIMUS 
CATASTROPHUS rushes in.
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  I've had a vision!
CLEANING PERSONUS.  Who are you to come barging in like this?
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  I did knock.
CLEANING PERSONUS.  You should have waited until I opened the 
door.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  It's all right, Cleaning Personus.  I'll handle 
this.  (To SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.)  Who are you, and what 
do you want?  Can't you see that I'm busy?
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  My name is Septimus Catastrophus, 
and I've had a vision.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  So you said.
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  A vision of, of the millennium bug!
CLEANING PERSONUS.  Sounds like we're in for another plague of 
locusts.  Talk to Marcus Aurelius about it.  You might want to 
check out the lions together.
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  The lions?  I have no time.  I must go 
and be ready.  The voice in the vision warned me to pack 
three days of canned food, water, a torch and batteries – 
whatever they are – oh, and a barbecue and toilet paper!
He exits.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  What was he talking about?  A millennium 
bug?
CLEANING PERSONUS.  You know; the end of the millennium, the 
start of the new one. 
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS rushes on-stage followed by MARY 
and JOSEPH.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  Not you again!
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  Look, look who I've found.
JOSEPH.  I'm sorry to intrude.  My name is Joseph, and this is 
my wife, Mary.  We are visitors and need somewhere to stay.
MARY.  This man told us we could find lodging here.
CLEANING PERSONUS.  There's an inn on the corner.  Ask the 
innkeeper.  He'll find you somewhere.
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  No, no, no!  Can't you see?  It is the 
millennium baby.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  What are you talking about now?
JOSEPH.  My wife is about to have a baby.  It will be our first 
child.
CLEANING PERSONUS (to MARY). Here, sit down.  You must be 
worn out.
MARY.  Thank you.
CLEANING PERSONUS.  So, do you want a boy or a girl?
MARY.  I feel in my heart that it's going to be a boy.
CLEANING PERSONUS prattling.  Some people say it's best to have 
a boy first, you know, because boys are so much stronger and 
being the first born is such a responsibility these days, but I 
always thought a girl first would be just as nice. Of course, 
you can't plan these things and …
MARCUS AURELIUS ignoring CLEANING PERSONUS.  Tell me again, 
Septimus Catastrophus, why you have brought these people 
here.
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  It's all part of my vision.  This woman 
is about to have a baby.  It will be the first baby of the new 
millennium!  It will be famous.  The story of the birth will be 
written down and celebrated for millenniums to come.  You 
will be famous as your house will be where the child will be 
born.  Think of it – the fame, the spin-offs, the marketing 
possibilities!
JOSEPH.  But we are simple people.
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  I tell you, this is going to be the 
millennium baby.
MARCUS AURELIUS (looking at MARY, who is holding her stomach).  
But this child will be born tonight by the looks of things.  
And tonight, Septimus Catastrophus, is only December 24, not 
New Year's Eve!
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  But, but …
MARCUS AURELIUS.  I'm sorry – Mary and Joseph – isn't it?  I'm 
sorry.  Please try the innkeeper down the road.  If he's full, 
he often lets people stay in his stables.  You simply cannot 
stay here.
JOSEPH.  Of course.  We'll try the inn.  Thank you and good 
night.
MARY.  God bless you all.
MARY and JOSEPH exit.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  Now, will you leave, too!  Both of you.  Can't 
you see that I'm trying to work?
CLEANING PERSONUS.  He's trying to figure out what to call next 
year.
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  Well, that's simple.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  Simple?
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  This year is One BC, right?
CLEANING PERSONUS.  Right, but …
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  Just call next year One something else 
and then the year after that Two, then Three, Four, Five, and 
so on.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  "Just call next year One something else," he 
says.  But what something else?
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  It's all right, don't get too worked up 
about it.
CLEANING PERSONUS.  He's worried about the lions, you see.
MARCUS AURELIUS.  What something else?  That's what I need to 
figure out.
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  Oh, I don't know.  One AD, maybe?
CLEANING PERSONUS.  One AD?
MARCUS AURELIUS.  What does the AD stand for?
CLEANING PERSONUS.  AD?  Absolutely delightful?  Another 
donkey?  Abnormal dog?
SEPTIMUS CATASTROPHUS.  No. AD stands for After December!
CLEANING PERSONUS and MARCUS AURELIUS (together).  One AD – 
yes!  He's got it!

