THE MAD HATTERS TEA-PARTY
CHARACTERS
ALICE		 		THE MAD HATTER
THE MARCH HARE 	DORMOUSE
Scene: On the lawn outside the March Hare's house. A large table set for tea. Crowded together at one 
end are the
Mad Hatter, the March Hare and the Dormouse. The Hatter is wearing a large top hat with a price 
ticket still on it. The
Dormouse is asleep between him and the March Hare, and they use him to rest their elbows on: Enter Alice.
MAD HATTER, MARCH HARE (together). No room! No
room!
ALICE. There's plenty of room. (She sits at the other end of the table.)
MARCH HARE. Have some wine.
ALICE (after looking round the table). I don't see any wine.
MARCH HARE. There isn't any.
(The Mad Hatter and the March Hare roar with laughter.)
ALICE (angrily). It wasn't very polite of you to offer it.
MARCH HARE. It wasn't very polite of you to sit down without being invited.
ALICE. I didn't know it was your table. It's laid for a great many more 
than three.
MAD HATTER (suddenly). Your hair wants cutting.
ALICE. You should learn not to make personal remarks. It's very rude.
MAD HATTER. Why is a raven like a writing-desk?
ALICE. Good, we shall have some fun now. I'm glad you've begun asking 
riddles. I believe I can guess that.
MARCH HARE. Do you mean that you think you can find out the answer to it ?
ALICE. Exactly so.
MARCH HARE. Then you should say what you mean.
ALICE. I do. At least, I mean what I say - that's the same thing, you know.
MAD HATTER. Not the same thing a bit! Why, you might just as well say that 
"I see what I eat" is the same thing as
"I eat what I see".
MARCH HARE. You might just as well say that "I like what I get" is the same 
thing as "I get what I like".
DORMOUSE (waking up for a moment and speaking very sleepily). You might 
just as well say that "I breathe when I
sleep" is the same thing as
"I sleep when I breathe".
MAD HATTER. It is the same thing with you. (Then, to Alice) Tell me, child, what day of the month is 
it ?
ALICE. The fourth.
(The Mad Hatter takes out his watch and eyes it gravely.)
MAD HATTER. Two days wrong! (Turns to the March Hare.) I told you butter wouldn't suit the works.
MARCH HARE. It was the best butter.
MAD HATTER. Yes, but some crumbs must have got in as well. You shouldn't have put it in with the 
bread-knife.
(The March Hare takes the watch, looks at it gloomily, dips it into his tea, and looks at it again.)
MARCH HARE (as he hands it back). It was the best butter, you know.
ALICE (rising and going over to look at the watch). What a funny watch! It tells the day of the 
month, and doesn't tell
what o'clock it is!
MAD HATTER. Why should it? Does your watch tell what year it is ?
ALICE (returning to her seat). Of course not, but that's because it stays the same year for such a 
long time together.
MAD HATTER. Which is just the case with mine!
ALICE. I don't quite understand you.
MAD HATTER. The Dormouse is asleep again. (He leans over and pours a little hot tea on the Dormouse's 
nose.)
DORMOUSE (Sleepily). Of course, of course. Just what I was going to remark myself.
MAD HATTER. Have you guessed the answer to the riddle yet ?
ALICE. No, I give up. What is the answer?
MAD HATTER. I haven't the slightest idea.
MARCH HARE. Nor I.
ALICE. I think you might do something better with the time than waste it in 
asking riddles with no answers.
MAD HATTER. If you knew Time as well as I do, you wouldn't be talking about 
wasting it. It's him.
ALICE. I don't know what you mean.
MAD HATTER. Of course you don't. I dare say you never even spoke to Time.
ALICE. Perhaps not, but I know I have to beat time when I learn music.
MAD HATTER. Ah, that accounts for it. He won't stand beating. Now, if you 
only kept on good terms with him, he'd
do almost anything you liked with the clock.
ALICE. How do you mean?
MAD HATTER. Well, for instance, suppose it were nine o'clock in the 
morning, just time to begin lessons. You'd only
have to whisper a hint to Time, and round goes the clock in a twinkling! 
Half-past one - time for dinner!
MARCH HARE (to himself). I only wish it was.
ALICE. That would be grand certainly, but then - I shouldn't be hungry for 
it, you know.
MAD HATTER. Not at first, perhaps, but you could keep it to half-past one 
as long as you liked.
ALICE. Is that the way you manage?
MAD HATTER (shaking his head sadly). Not I! We quarrelled last March - just 
before he went mad, you know. (Points
with his teaspoon at the March Hare.) It was at the great concert given by 
the Queen of Hearts, and I had to sing.
ALICE. What did you sing?
MAD HATTER (Sings).
Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder what you're at ... You know the song, perhaps ?
ALICE. I've heard something like it.
MAD HATTER. It goes on, you know, in this way ... (singing).
Up above the world you fly Like a tea-tray in the sky.  Twinkle, twinkle--
DORMOUSE (waking up again). Twinkle, twinkle, twinkle, twinkle--
(The Mad Hatter and the March Hare pinch him until he stops.)
MAD HATTER. Well, I'd hardly finished the first verse when the Queen 
bawled out, "He's murdering the time! Off
with his head!"
ALICE. How dreadfully savage!
MAD HATTER. And ever since that, he won't do a thing I ask. It's always six 
o'clock now.
ALICE. Is that the reason why so many things are put out here?
MAD HATTER (sighing heavily). Yes, that's it. It's always tea-time, and we've no time to wash the things between whiles.
ALICE. Then you keep moving round, I suppose?
MAD HATTER. Just so – as the things get used up.
ALICE. But what do you do when you come to the beginning again?
MARCH HARE (yawning). Suppose we change the subject. I'm getting tired of 
this. I vote the young lady tells us a
story.
ALICE. I'm afraid I don't know one.
MAD HATTER. MARCH HARE (together). Then the Dormouse shall! Wake up, 
Dormouse!
(They pinch the Dormouse until he slowly opens his eyes.)
DORMOUSE (hoarsely). I wasn't asleep. I heard every word you fellows were 
saying.
MARCH HARE. Tell us a story.
ALICE. Yes, please do!
MAD HATTER. And be quick about it, or you'll be asleep again before it's 
done.
DORMOUSE (hurriedly). Once upon a time there were three little sisters 
named Elsie, Lacie, and Tillie, and they lived in the bottom of a well -
ALICE. What did they live on?
DORMOUSE (after thinking). They lived on treacle.
ALICE. They couldn't have done that, you know. They'd have been ill.
DORMOUSE. So they were. Very ill.
ALICE. But why did they live at the bottom of a well ?
MARCH HARE (offering the pot). Take some more tea. 
ALICE. I've had nothing yet, so I can't take more.
MAD HATTER. You mean you can't take less. It's very easy to take more 
than nothing.
ALICE. Nobody asked your opinion.
MAD HATTER. Who's making personal remarks now ?
(Alice helps herself to bread and butter. Then she turns again to the 
Dormouse.)
ALICE. Why did they live at the bottom of a well?
DORMOUSE (after thinking). It was a treacle-well.
ALICE. There's no such thing!
MAD HATTER, MARCH HARE (together). Sshh! Sshh!
DORMOUSE (sulkily). If you can't be polite, you'd better finish the story 
for yourself.
ALICE. No, please go on. I won't interrupt you again. I dare say there 
may be one treacle-well somewhere.
DORMOUSE. One, indeed! But I'll continue. And so these three little 
sisters - they were learning to draw, you know - 
ALICE (forgetting her promise). What did they draw ?
DORMOUSE. Treacle.
MAD HATTER. I want a clean cup. Let's all move one place on.
(He moves on, the Dormouse follows him, and the March Hare moves into the Dormouse's seat. Alice, who takes over the March 
Hare's place, shakes her head
disgustedly over the untidy mess before her.)
ALICE. But I still don't understand. Where did they draw the treacle from ?
MAD HATTER. You can draw water out of a water-well, so I should think you 
could draw treacle out of a treacle-well, eh, stupid ?
ALICE. (to the Dormouse). But they were in the well.
DORMOUSE. Of course they were. Well in. Anyway, they were learning to draw, 
and they drew all manner of things.
(He yawns and rubs his eyes.) Everything that begins with an M
ALICE. Why with an M?
MARCH HARE. Why not?
DORMOUSE. Everything that begins with an M, such as mouse-traps, and the 
moon, and memory, and muchness - 
ALICE. Muchness?
DORMOUSE (sleepily). Yes, muchness. You know, you say things are "much of a 
muchness". Did you ever see such a thing as a drawing of a muchness ?
ALICE. Really, now you ask me, I don't think - 
MAD HATTER. Then you shouldn't talk!
(At this piece of rudeness Alice gets up in disgust and moves off towards the left of the stage.)
ALICE. Of all the rude people! At any rate, I'll never come here again. It's the stupidest tea-party I ever was at in my whole life!
(Tossing  her head in the air, Alice goes out, as the Mad Hatter and the March Hare try to put the Dormouse into the tea-pot.)

CURTAIN

- This play has been adapted from Lewis Carroll's famous book, "Alice in Wonderland". 

How Maui Found the Fire
CHARACTERS
READER
MAUI
MAHU-IKA - the goddess of the fire kingdom
TIWAIWAKA - fantail
Scene 1.
READER. The mischievous Maui had put out all the fires in the land, so that 
the whole earth was without flame. He
was sent into the kingdom of the goddess, Mahu-ika, to see if he could get 
another spark.
MAUI. Please, Mahu-ika, please give me just one spark.
MAHU-IKA. Why? You had fire. What happened to it ?
MAUI. (hanging his head and looking ashamed). Oh, Mahu-ika, we have no fire 
left. I put out all the fires and we have
no flames. What are we to do?
MAHU-IKA. You are too full of pranks, Maui. One day you will go too far, 
and then you will be really sorry.
MAUI. Please, Mahu-ika! Just one spark, so that we may have fire.
MAHU-IKA (sighing). Very well, Maui. I will give you a fingernail, and you 
shall have your fire.
READER. She tears off one of her fingernails, and gives it to Maui.
MAHU-IKA. Take good care of it, Maui. Look after it well, and see that no 
harm comes to it.
READER. Maui laughs, and instead of taking the fingernail and treating it 
carefully, stamps on it, putting out the
flame.
MAHU-IKA (angrily). Now see what you've done! I told you, you will go too 
far one day. However, for the sake of your
people, I will give you another. Here, take this.
READER. Maui stamped on the second fingernail, also. He did this again and 
again, until the old woman had only one toenail left. She was very angry.
MAHU-IKA. I am very angry with you, Maui. Very angry indeed! You are full of 
wickedness, and you shall be punished.
READER. Mahu-ika took off her last toenail, and
flung it on the ground. As she did so, the flames spurted up, and the fire 
covered everything.
MAHU-IKA (angrily). There! There, now you have it all. Take it and be gone. 
I don't want to see you again.
READER. Maui was very afraid, and ran away as fast as he could. But the 
fire followed him. So Maui got away by
changing himself into an eagle, and diving into a pool.
MAUI. There! I am safe from the fire now. It can't get me in this water. I 
am safe at last.
READER. But the waters became hotter and hotter, and the whole sea 
boiling. Maui was very afraid.
MAUI. Help me! Help me! Tawhiri-ma-tea, please help me! 
Whatiri-matakataka, please, please help me. Please get
me away from the fire.
READER. Maui's ancestors heard his cries, and saved him. They sent wind 
and rain to drown the fire-goddess's
anger. Before all the fire was destroyed, Mahu-ika saved a few sparks, 
and hid them.
Scene 2.
READER. When everything was quiet again, Maui went back to the 
fire-goddess. He tried to find the place where she
had hidden the fire.
MAUI (quietly, to himself). I must find the fire. It is so important to 
us. We have to have fire. I must find it. It must be
here somewhere.
READER. He searched all around the whare, but found nothing but a little 
fantail, Tiwaiwaka. Maui grabbed hold of
her, and clung on to her tightly.
MAUI Ah! Tiwaiwaka! Keep still. I won't let you go. You can't escape from 
me. Now you tell me where Mahu-ika has gone.
TIWAIWAKA. I won't tell you. You hurt me, Maui. Let me go. I won't tell 
you, bad Maui.
READER. Maui squeezed her so tightly that her eyes nearly popped out of her 
head, and her tail spread out from her
body.
MAUI (loudly). Tell me! Tell me where Mahu-ika has gone.
TIWAIWAKA (frightened). I don't know. I don't know where she has gone, Maui.
MAUI. Then where has she hidden the fire? You must know that, little 
Tiwaiwaka. Tell me where she hid it. I must
have it for my people. Tell me, and I will let you go.
TIWAIWAKA. Why must your people have the fire?
MAUI. It is a great gift for them. It is most important, believe me, Tiwaiwaka.
TIWAIWAKA. If it is so important, and if it is a gift for men, then I will tell you where Mahu-ika hid it.
MAUI. Where? Where?
TIWAIWAKA. Go home, Maui, and take two pieces of the Kaikomako tree, and 
rub them together.
MAUI. Why? Why should I do that?
TIWAIWAKA. That is where she hid the fire. Inside the Kaikomako tree, and 
also in the Totara and Mahoe trees.
MAUI. In trees? The fire goddess hid the fire in those trees ?
TIWAIWAKA. Yes, Maui. You rub two pieces of the wood from these trees 
together, and the fire will come out for
you.
READER. So the Maoris learned the place where Mahu-ika had hidden the 
fire, and were able to make it for
themselves. But as for poor little Tiwaiwaka - her eyes still stick out 
to this very day, and her tail still spreads from her
body, because Maui squeezed her so tightly while he searched for the 
seeds of fire.
adapted by D. M. Addison

