Professor Ponsonby and the Awesome Weather Wheel
by John Parker

In this play for tape recorder, the directions in green tell you what sounds to make.  
CHARACTERS
INTERVIEWER
PROFESSOR PONSONBY
MRS PONSONBY

Theme music.
INTERVIEWER.  Hello and welcome to Progress with Ponsonby, NZFM's weekly science programme.  Let's go 
straight to Professor Ponsonby's laboratory and find out what he's cooking up for us today.  (Laboratory 
noises, such as gurglings, bubblings, and beepings.)  Good morning, Professor.  Is this your latest invention?
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  It certainly is.  It's the Ponsonby Weather Wheel.
INTERVIEWER.  The Ponsonby what?
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  The Ponsonby Weather Wheel.  It not only lets you choose the weather you want but 
also where and when you want it.
INTERVIEWER.  It sounds impossible, Professor.
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Not at all.  As you can see, it's the size and shape of a small clock.  Around the outside 
are printed all the types of weather you can think of – whirlwinds, thunderstorms, rain, hail …
INTERVIEWER.  … tornadoes?
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Yes, yes – all that sort of thing.  In the middle, here, is Dial A, which you turn to the 
weather you want.  On the left is Dial B, for where you want the weather to go to, and on the right is Dial C, 
for when you want it to start.  And at the bottom is orange button D, which you press to make it all happen.  
Simple!
INTERVIEWER.  But not so simple on the inside, Professor?
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Precisely!  Inside is my Ponsonby All-purpose Varioscope, which, of course, reverses the 
neutron flow by maxiboosting the ultrafrequencies and turbocharging the isobars.  And it's all powered by the 
latest millimegahertz microchip – plus an old onion-flavoured potato chip I found yesterday in my coat pocket.
INTERVIEWER.  Truly staggering, Professor.
PROFESSOR PONSONBY (coughs modestly).  Thank you.  I do consider it a giant stride in the march of science.
INTERVIEWER.  How about a demonstration?
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Certainly.  If you look at the clothes line outside, you can see Mrs Ponsonby's footy jersey 
hanging out to dry.  So I'll help it to dry by turning Dial A to "Wind, warm".
Grik, grik, grik, grik, grik, grik.
	Next, the Ponsonby All-purpose Varioscope tells us that the footy jersey is located at 45 degrees east and 17 
degrees north.  So that's where I'll turn Dial B.
Dwerk, dwerk, dwerk, dwerk, dwerk, dwerk.
	Then, to tell us when to send the wind, we turn Dial C to 11 a.m., which is in precisely twenty seconds.
Gwot, gwot, gwot, gwot, gwot, gwot,
	And last of all, we will press orange button D – which in five seconds will send warm wind all over Mrs 
Ponsonby's footy jersey.
Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep.
	And that warm wind will …
FFFFFFFFFZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTTTTTTT!
INTERVIEWER.  That was a bolt of lightning, Professor.
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Oh dear.  Dial A must have needed more testing.
INTERVIEWER.  It's put a huge hole in Mrs Ponsonby's footy jersey!
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
INTERVIEWER.  Mrs Ponsonby's footy jersey is red hot and fuming.
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Just like Mrs Ponsonby!  (Angry screaming noise in the distance.)  Oh no!  Here she comes 
now!  I wish I could disappear!
MRS PONSONBY (in the distance).  Ponsonby!  Ponsonby!!
INTERVIEWER.  Professor, how about dialling up something you could hide in?
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Splendid idea!  First of all, I turn Dial A to "Fog, extra thick".  
Grik, grik, grik, grik, grik, grik.
	Then I …
MRS PONSONBY (louder).  Ponsonby!!!!!
PROFESSOR PONSONBY.  Too late!  Help!
INTERVIEWER (hastily).  And that's all for now from Progress with Ponsonby.  Same time and same place next 
week – I hope!
Sounds of "Ponsonby!!!" and "Help!" fading into the distance.

Mirror, Mirror
By Elaine Le Sueur
CHARACTERS 
AMY
NIKKI
TIM
VOICE OF THE MAGIC MIRROR
SCENE:  AMY is reading the book Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.  TIM is watching television with 
homework books on the floor beside him.  NIKKI comes in carrying a mirror (made from tinfoil and 
cardboard).
NIKKI.  Look what I found under the house.
TIM.  An old mirror.  So what?
AMY (looking up from her book).  It looks like the magic mirror in my book.
NIKKI.  I wish it was.
AMY.  Why don't we try it?
NIKKI.  OK.  (She props it up against the wall.)  There.
AMY (reading from the book).  Mirror, mirror, on the wall –
	Who is the fairest of us all?
MIRROR.  There's not much to choose from, but I suppose I'd have to pick the skinny one watching TV over there.
AMY and NIKKI turn to look at TIM.
TIM.  It talked!
AMY.
NIKKI.  I wonder why it picked you?
TIM.  Sensible mirror.  Obviously I was the best choice.  
He takes a comb out of his pocket and flicks it through his hair.
AMY.  It must be blind!
NIKKI.  I wonder if that's the only question it can answer?
MIRROR.  Of course not, but it's the only one that vain queen ever bothered to ask me.
AMY.  It talked again!
NIKKI.  Let's try something else.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall –
Can you answer anything at all?
MIRROR.  Of course I can.
Just get on with the question – there's no need to rhyme.
If you didn't try to do it, we'd all save time.
TIM.  Grumpy, grumpy.
MIRROR.  You'd be grumpy too if your owner buried you just because she didn't like what you said.
AMY.  That's not in my story.
MIRROR.  Probably not.  Nobody was ever very interested in what happened to me.  They were too busy making 
sure that Snow White lived happily ever after.
TIM.  Whatever.  How about giving me a hand with this homework?
MIRROR.  What'll you give me if I do?
NIKKI.  What do you mean?
MIRROR.  If you want answers from a magic mirror, you have to pay.
AMY.  How?
MIRROR.  By shining my face with a polishing rag.  One good shine for each question.
NIKKI.  How do we know if it's worth it?  I don't like cleaning and polishing.
MIRROR.  Suit yourselves.  I don't make the rules.  I'm just telling you like it is.  And by the way, you owe me for 
two questions already.  Pay up, or I won't tell you any more.
TIM.  Fair enough.  Here goes.  That's one.  (He polishes the mirror with his hanky.)  Your turn.  (He gives his 
hanky to AMY.)
AMY (rubs the mirror and gives the hanky to NIKKI).  That's two.
NIKKI picks up TIM'S homework book and polishes the mirror as she reads out the question.
NIKKI.  Find thirteen plus nine then divide the answer by eleven.
MIRROR.  That's a hard one.  Let me think.  Thirteen plus nine … hmm.  Then divide by eleven … um …  Don't 
tell me.  I can do it.
TIM.  You don't know, do you?
MIRROR.  Yes, I do.  Just give me a minute.
AMY.  I've got it!  The answer is ...
MIRROR.  The answer is owt.
TIM.  Owt?  What kind of answer is that?  It isn't even a number!
MIRROR.  It is so.
NIKKI.  It is not.
MIRROR.  Is so.
AMY.  Is not.
MIRROR.  Is so!
TIM.  Is not.  Prove it!
MIRROR.  It's the number that comes after eno.
TIM.  Eno?  What are you talking about?  You stupid mirror, you can't count.  No wonder the queen didn't ever 
ask you any other questions.  You're no use at all!
He takes the mirror off the wall.
NIKKI.  Wait!
TIM throws the mirror on the floor and jumps on it.
AMY.  Too late!
NIKKI.  Tim, don't you see ?  The mirror was counting.  (She writes the words down backwards and holds them 
up for everyone to see.)  [ENO, OWT] [handwrite backwards].  ONE, TWO.  It's mirror writing.  The mirror 
was right all the time.
AMY.  And you've broken it!
TIM.  Too bad.  At least I know I'm the best looking person around here.
He combs his hair again.  AMY and NIKKI pick up cushions and throw them at him.
NIKKI.  Who believes in magic mirrors these days, anyway?
She goes out.  AMY follows.  Tim picks up the mirror.
TIM.  Magic mirrors don't break.  (He puts it under his arm.)  There's a maths test tomorrow.  I think I'll keep 
this, just in case.  
He follows AMY and NIKKI out.

Smile, Please!
by Diana Noonan

CHARACTERS
MS SNAP (the photographer)
MR NAPIER (Room Four's teacher)
CHILDREN:
ELEANOR
HOPA
RAMA
JONATHAN
KATE
BRIDIE
OTHERS (any number)

SCENE: School photograph day in the assembly hall.  Chairs are set out for the children to sit on.  MS 
SNAP stands behind her tripod and camera.  MR NAPIER leads Room Four into the hall.  The 
CHILDREN talk excitedly.
MS SNAP (smiling).  Ah, the first group of the day.  Let me guess, this must be Room Four.
CHILDREN (calling out).  Yes!  That's us!  Are you Ms Snap?  Where do we go?
BRIDIE.  Do we say "squeeze" to make us smile?
ELEANOR.  Can we say "rotten cheese"?
CHILDREN (calling out).  Rotten cheese!
MS SNAP (looking a little less happy).  Er, well …
MR NAPIER.  That's quite enough, everyone.  I want you ready for the class photo.  Shorties sitting down at the 
front, tallies at the back, in-betweens, er … well … in between, of course.
The CHILDREN organise themselves into position.  JONATHAN stands in the middle of the back row.  HOPA 
sits at one end of the front row.  MS SNAP talks to MR NAPIER.
MS SNAP (passing MR NAPIER a board and a box of letters).  Here we are, Mr Napier.  Please use these letters to 
spell out the class's name and the name of the school.
MR NAPIER arranges the letters and gives the board to RAMA.  RAMA studies the board and looks puzzled.
RAMA (putting up his hand).  Mr Napier, Mr Napier!
MR NAPIER.  Not now, Rama, not now.  Ms Snap is waiting.
MS SNAP.  All ready?  Lovely.  OK, big smile, everyone … and …
MR NAPIER (peering down at the people in the front row).  Wait, stop, stop!  Hopa Waihaki, is that you I see in the 
front row wearing two different-coloured socks?  We can't have that in the photo.  Swap places with 
Jonathan, right away.
JONATHAN and HOPA swap places.  MS SNAP looks impatient.
RAMA (putting up his hand).  Mr Napier, Mr Napier, you've got the …
MR NAPIER.  Not now, Rama.  We're ready for the photo.
MS SNAP.  Here we go again.  OK, big smile, everyone … and …
MR NAPIER.  Wait, wait, stop!  Where's Kate Lee?
ELEANOR.  She had to go to the …
KATE (entering and squeezing into the centre of the middle row).  Sorry, Mr Napier, I had to …
MR NAPIER.  Yes, all right, Kate.  I'm sorry, Ms Snap.  But I think we're ready now.
RAMA (putting up his hand).  But, Mr Napier, the …
MR NAPIER.  I'm sure it can wait, Rama.  Hand down.
MS SNAP (impatiently).  Here we go again.  Smile, please, everyone … and …
BRIDIE.  A-a-a-t-chooo!
MS SNAP.  Hold everything!  We can't have a photo with a sneeze in it.
RAMA (putting up his hand and waving it).  Please, Mr Napier, please …
MR NAPIER.  After the photo, Rama.
RAMA.  But, Mr Napier …!
MR NAPIER.  I'm very sorry about this, Ms Snap.  They're not usually so difficult.
MS SNAP (crossly).  Here we go – again!  Big smile, everyone … and …
The camera flashes.  The CHILDREN all move out of their positions.  
RAMA (with one hand up and the other holding the board).  Wait, Mr Napier …
MR NAPIER (impatiently).  Yes, Rama, what is it?
RAMA.  Look at this, Mr Napier.  You've spelt the name of our school wrong.  Look!
RAMA holds up the board.  The CHILDREN, MS SNAP, and MR NAPIER gather round.
MR NAPIER.  Oh, no!
CHILDREN and MS SNAP (together).  Here we go AGAIN!

Super Specials
by Philippa Werry

CHARACTERS
CHECKOUT OPERATOR
FIRST CUSTOMER
SECOND CUSTOMER
THIRD CUSTOMER
FOURTH CUSTOMER

SCENE:  A supermarket checkout.  The CUSTOMERS are waiting in line.  The CHECKOUT OPERATOR sits 
down at the counter and puts up an OPEN sign.

CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Good morning, happy shoppers!  We hope you've enjoyed yourselves at the Super Special 
Supermarket, where our motto is: "Always serve you right!"
FOURTH CUSTOMER (grumbling).  Well, I'm not a happy shopper, and I haven't enjoyed myself at all.  First I 
couldn't find a park, then the shop was crowded, and now I've been standing in this line for ages.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Who's first, please?
FIRST CUSTOMER.  I just want these eggs.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  One dozen eggs?  Certainly.  That's 250 dollars.
FIRST CUSTOMER.  How much?
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  250 dollars.
FIRST CUSTOMER.  But I thought they were on special.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  That's right.  They're very special, so they cost more.  I'd have thought that was obvious.
FIRST CUSTOMER.  Well, it isn't obvious to me.  I'm going to put these eggs back and look for something less 
special.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Next, please!  Good morning!  How are you today?
FOURTH CUSTOMER.  Let's cut out all the chatter and get a move on, for goodness' sake.
SECOND CUSTOMER.  Good morning.  
SECOND CUSTOMER starts unloading groceries onto the counter.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR (putting groceries through the scanner).  Cornflakes, oranges, raspberry ripple ice cream …  Yum, my 
favourite!  
CHECKOUT OPERATOR gets a spoon from under the counter, lifts the lid, and takes a large spoonful.
SECOND CUSTOMER.  Hey, you can't do that!
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Don't worry, it's all part of our quality-control testing programme.  You'll be pleased to know that your 
raspberry ripple ice cream contains nothing but the best raspberries and the waviest ripples, and I can personally guarantee 
that.  Now then, what else have we got here?  Bananas, baked beans, chocolate biscuits …  
CHECKOUT OPERATOR opens packet and takes one out.
SECOND CUSTOMER.  Hey, leave my biscuits alone!  I've paid for those!
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Not yet, you haven't.  That comes to twenty-one dollars exactly.
SECOND CUSTOMER (opening bag).  Oh dear, I've only got twenty dollars.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Don't worry.  I'll just take another couple of biscuits and we'll forget about the extra dollar.  Next, 
please!
SECOND CUSTOMER starts packing groceries into bags.
FOURTH CUSTOMER (looking at watch).  Hurry up, hurry up!  Come on!
THIRD CUSTOMER.  Why are you in such a hurry?
FOURTH CUSTOMER.  I parked my car in a five-minute parking spot because I only wanted some bread and milk 
– and I've been here half an hour already!
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Next, please.  Let's see, what have you got?  Coffee, chips, lollies, chocolate, fizzy drink …  Is this all 
for you?
THIRD CUSTOMER.  Yes.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  That's terrible!  You should be getting decaf coffee, not this sort, and go and swap this fizzy drink for 
some orange juice.
THIRD CUSTOMER.  But – but …
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  And low-salt chips – and a smaller packet of lollies – and get some toothpaste as well!
THIRD CUSTOMER.  But – but …
FOURTH CUSTOMER.  Off you go!  Hurry up!  (THIRD CUSTOMER goes back to the shelves.)  Now it's my turn at last.  Come on, 
come on!
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Oh, sorry.  I was just looking out the window at that towtruck.
FOURTH CUSTOMER.  Towtruck?  What towtruck?
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  The one towing away that white car parked in the five-minute parking zone.
FOURTH CUSTOMER.  Oh, no!  That's my car!  
FOURTH CUSTOMER drops basket of groceries and runs out.
SECOND CUSTOMER.  I'm glad I didn't park there.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Oh, dear!  The towtruck has just backed into a big green car.
SECOND CUSTOMER.  A green car?  Oh, no!  That's mine!  
SECOND CUSTOMER leaves bags of groceries and runs out.
THIRD CUSTOMER (coming back).  Here we are – low-salt chips, orange juice, decaf coffee, toothpaste …
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  And now the green car has been pushed forward into a small red car.
THIRD CUSTOMER.  A red car?  Oh, no!  That's mine!  
THIRD CUSTOMER drops basket and rushes out.
FIRST CUSTOMER (coming back).  It's very quiet round here all of a sudden.   Thank goodness I don't have to wait 
in that line again.  Here, these noodles aren't on special, are they?  
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  No, no.
FIRST CUSTOMER.  Well, how much are they, then?
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  Oh, don't worry about it.  They're on the house.
FIRST CUSTOMER.  Thank you.  
FIRST CUSTOMER goes out, shaking head.
CHECKOUT OPERATOR.  A-a-h!  (Puts feet up on the counter and starts reaching into bags and baskets.)  Chocolate biscuits, ice 
cream, chips …  This is when I really enjoy my job!


